Save Me From Myself
by Pooks1979
Summary: AU J/B - a one shot inspired by Christine Aguilera's song of the same title. It has a mixture of the entire series with my own personal touch and alterations.


**A/N – this one shot was inspired by Christine Aguilera's song of the same title. It has a mixture of the entire series with my own personal touch and alterations. I hope you enjoy it.**

**BPOV**

Clouded are my thoughts, my idle mind lost in a sea of confusion, guilt and remorse. I have no one to blame but myself, my actions unspeakable, my decisions incorrigible and my words sharper than a knife as they stabbed your fragile heart. If I could take it all back, make you see it was my naïve nature that made me do it, my inexperience and lack of foresight that caused me to speak the unimaginable, I would in an instant.

I sit here, balled into myself, a wool blanket the only thing to shield me from the blast of winter that blows through my open bedroom window, lost to the feeling of emptiness, hopelessness and regret.

When faced with the opportunity to bask in your warmth, feel your love and flourish within the heat of your commitment to us both, I faltered. I chose a lifeless existence; one paved with promises of everlasting life and was dealt the ultimate betrayal, loneliness.

I sit here not because I mourn the loss of my so called beloved but of the love I could have had, should have had from the very beginning, a love untainted, pure and in endless supply. I will admit it scared me, our once sacred friendship evolving into something other than, the thought of the fights and potential breakup if it didn't work out outweighing my wiliness to concede that it had every chance to be something beyond measure. I hate myself for believing and choosing what was good for me instead of what was fated.

I see now, after all the smoke and illusions are gone that it was you all along. You saved me in so many ways and did little to do so. It was that pure, forgiving heart, offered to me on silver platter with dreams of endless happiness on the side that I shunned and quickly discarded. I didn't know what I had until it was too late, until I saw the true nature of the beast I thought I loved and it became clear to me that everlasting life with no heart was no longer an appetizing notion. I didn't want to believe that my knight in shining armor was simply a mirage my mind conjured up to make me feel like I was happy when all I was doing was settling for second best.

It's strange how your young words of wisdom, the words a man twice your age would say were spoken as if you had experience first-hand at true love. You spoke of it as something that was felt, a yearning deep inside that could only be quenched by the touch of your other half. You told me your people called it an imprint while you called it true love. I thought the notion silly, that something so simple as human touch could mean more than just the feeling of skin upon skin but now I see that it's just the beginning, were the love starts to grow and as it flourishes, the feeling grows, intensifies and explodes into every part of your being until all you want, all you need is to be with that person always.

I know this to be true because I'm on the other side of love, a dark, hollow place and the complete opposite, a feeling that can only be described as vacant. I feel, want and know nothing other than sorrow. I mourn the loss of a love I could of had and hate myself for the love I thought I had with him. I wish I could pull myself from this grief, walk to the window and scream out to you, "Please save me."

I know it's naïve to think you would come to my aid like countless times before. I know you always said that all i had to do was say the words and we would leave, run away together and be happy but now I'm not so sure. I've burned you, tarnished that beautiful soul with lies and deceit. It is my fate I remain here, nestled with my loneliness and burdened by my poor decisions and continuous heartache. This is the proper punishment, the only punishment for a person so callus and deficient of the proper emotions.

I gave my heart to someone undeserving and selfish who only wished to extinguish its flame and keep it captive in a young state. I realize now I want more, that being immortal is nothing without true love. At the time I thought he was that someone but the moment I became more of a porcelain doll that his soul mate was the moment I realized he would never really be more than just an overbearing partner rather than a lover.

I wanted someone to compliment me, to scold me but still allow me to face the fears of the unknown, holding my hand every step of the way even when they knew the result would be less than ideal but allowing me to do it anyway. I wanted to experience life the way a teen should and live out my days pushing myself to the limits and basking in the ambiance of my successes while learning from my failures but never losing sight of the fact that you were there cheering me on. Life should be more than loving with limitations, cautiousness and abstinence. I realize now, after three countless mistakes and the loss of you that I was meant to be more and I want to be more but that is not even remotely possible if I can't be with you.

As I recall my memories, the ones so easily misplaced but now seemingly so clear, I realize it was always meant to be you, even from the beginning. It started that day we were reunited after so many years apart. I didn't think of it then, the conversation casual and slightly awkward but it was in that moment I felt a connection, a small spark ignite within me and it was as if my eyes were seeing for the first time. You made me feel ok in an otherwise strange place. It was hard enough being uprooted from my home but just your simple words and that pearly white smile made me feel like everything would work out.

From that moment on you continued to save me, in small almost unnoticeable ways but looking back on it now with a different set of eyes, I can see more clearly you were always my savior. You were there every step I took, good, bad or indifferent and although you didn't like my choices, warned me of the danger I might find if I traveled down that treacherous road, you never left my side. That is what love should be, what was meant to be and what I've lost.

They say hind sight is twenty two but they never say how you will feel once you finally see the error of your ways. No one can ever prepare you for sure a loss, the emptiness and sorrow that lie ahead of you when all hope is gone, no they dare not speak of such a travesty because then no one would take that leap of faith.

It has been six months since that day, since I witnessed first-hand the true power of words. I never thought much of it at the time, my anger at your open defiance of my hearts true wish and yet now, when the air is clear and I'm left all alone do I see you were right all along. I was settling for what I thought was my happily ever after when in truth it was just a sugar coated shell around an otherwise meaningless existence.

Is knowing all these truths going to make me a better person, make me run back to you, apologize profusely and pray you appease my poor judgment yet again? No. I know I lost my angel, snipped his wings of righteousness and tore his heart from his chest. I know I took all that was good and true from you the day I told you it would never be you. I regret those words, the thought alone makes my stomach spew the acid into my throat causing an endless burn within my chest the longer I allow the thought to linger on. I take these lashes of guilt and accept my punishment because someone like you deserves better than someone like me.

I force my legs to function, the tightness and burning that comes with movement, more painful each time I force myself from my cocooned position. I force myself from my chair, a ritual I've done since my seclusion in the hopes that one day, when I look out my frosted window I might find you there and each time the pinch of regret snuffs that small degree of hope that rises as I make my journey just a few feet away from the chair.

It's pointless to hold on to hope, the notion itself idiotic and idealistic. What is the point of hoping, in wishing for things to be different when ultimately you can never alter or change the past. Is it worth dwelling and ultimately withering away to nothing over the hope that with each day that passes, each moment I endure this indescribable pain of losing you that maybe God might see fit to release me from the prisons of regret and bring back the light into my otherwise worthless dark existence? I used to think so.

I used to believe that if you truly felt I was your imprint, your true love, that we were kindred spirits and my pain would be yours, that you could feel my sorrow, know I'm sorry and come back to save me from myself but you haven't. I can't blame you for not wanting to continue to live a life of torture, to be under the control of my careless decisions and be the safety net I call upon when it all ends badly.

I press my hand to the chilled glass, the arctic cold filling my frail body instantly but never deterring me from my position beside the window. It comes as no surprise when my eyes gaze upon an empty, snow covered backyard. I knew you wouldn't be there but that small sliver of hope I still have forces me to view it with my own eyes. It would seem that I am even more of a masochist than he was, torturing myself over what I have done and reliving the regret each time I find your spot outside my window vacant.

My head falls heavily between my shoulders as I pull away from the window, my chest burning, my body aching and my soul crying in despair and anguish. I know the remedy to my ailments, the one thing that can save me from myself and that's you. I wish I had the strength to stand before you, fall to my knees and plead for your mercy for a chance to bask in your light but I know I am no longer worthy of such forgiveness and so I remain in my hopeless existence, staring out the window, living in the memory of those moments of when it was just Jake and Bells.

As I drag my heavily weighted body to the chair, I can't help but overhear a large rustle outside my window. Although it brings me hope to think it might be you, I disregard it as nothing more than a passing deer or small animal and decide the bed would be the better choice at the moment. I pool my strength and walk towards the bed, before I can turn to sit, I hear it again and this time it is slightly louder and coupled with a strong huff. As if powered by an energy shot, I run to the window and although your spot is still vacant, a rather large print is left in your wake.

You came. After all this time, all these months of living with the thought that you had abandoned me, left me to rot with my choices, you finally allowed your heart to accept me back in. The thought, the potential this hope provides outshines all other cumbersome and overpowering thoughts of moments earlier.

I didn't waste any time, the need and desire to be close to you, feel the warmth of your skin, the heat of your breath, the touch of your slightly callus fingers on any part of my body outweighing the normal warnings about this time of year. I forced my fragile, brittle bones to carry my body out of my room, down the stairs and out the door. I didn't heed the warning of my worried father that a jacket, boots and gloves were needed as a storm was pressing through nor did the artic chill that filled my body once my toes hit the snow wake me out of this glorious realization enough to stop me from finding you.

It was amazing to experience what pure adrenaline and exhilaration does to one's body. I could feel the cold, sense my body temperature dropping each moment my skin was smacked with the wintry blast of wind mixed with snow and yet it felt like I was on fire, burning with this desire to see you and the closer I thought I was getting to being reunited with you, the hotter I felt. Strangely, as emotionally driven as I was to find you, my body, lacking the proper nourishment and having been so neglected all this time, didn't have the strength my inner will did to find you.

I could feel my stride lessening, my breath shortening and my depression slowly overshadowing the large degree of hope that had once empowered me to find you. It was slowly becoming clear to me that maybe it was an illusion, the paw print I thought I saw and the ball of dark brown fur I found a few feet from the print were not from you but rather some other native creature.

I didn't have the strength or the will to return back, my body giving into the below zero degree temperatures, my extremities purplish blue and unresponsive to any command my mind tried to demand. I fall to my knees and allow the winter to take me, the cold instantly filling every fiber of my being until I became nothing more than dead weight upon a blanket of fresh snow. I could feel my life slipping away and my only wish was that you would hear me say I'm sorry and that I loved you.

I tried with what little strength I had to scream them out, hoping the echo of my voice would find its way to you but the air was too cold and my pitch vacant to Mr. Frost. For the first time I was truly helpless in every sense of the word. My mind wasn't in control anymore.

Without much choice, since all my extremities remain frozen, I closed my eyes and prayed for rescue. Although it would seem I was ready to die, to give into the depression and loneliness, I wasn't. I hoped that maybe if you saw that I endured your pain and took it onto myself it would earn your love and trust back but it did the complete opposite.

I tried to calm my nervous thoughts and allow the good memories to seep through, the ones where it was just you and I and a couple of dirt bikes, a late afternoon movie or a car repair gig. These were the moments, the times when I could be myself and didn't need to be strong, relentless or anything other than just plain old me. I wanted that innocence back and although I couldn't have it entirely, the part that was just you and me was all I needed.

The damp heat of your tongue against my cold cheek pulled me from my thoughts and forced my eyes to spring open. I wasn't sure if this was another illusion or the truth so rather than take a leap of faith again I waited, soaked in everything around me and welcomed it humbly. I always did love you in this form, the earthy smell of your fur, the firm yet comforting feel of your structure and the purity in your eyes. You exude strength yet beneath all that fur that fierceness lays a heart as pure as the day you were born.

After a few moments, I felt the moistness of your nose poke at my arm. I was reluctant to face you, to actually see the pain I caused streaming through your eyes but I knew if I wanted to have my chance now was the time. I turned to my right and faced you; your fur covered face offered me no inkling as to your thoughts or notions but merely provided me a blank slate with no guidance. I wasn't sure if I should just confess and pray you forgive, just apologize or thank you for saving me once again and move on. I knew what I wanted, what I needed but I knew it wasn't what I deserved.

It's funny how on the rare occasion the mind and heart become a united front in the battle for one's true desires. The moment my mind was privy to the opportunity to reclaim your heart, my mouth started to blurt out everything and anything I could to make you see I was sorry. The words that spilled from my lips were like a faucet on endless drip, never stopping for a moment and fully expressing my devotion and of my selfish need to always have you there to save me.

You never interrupted or made a noise to indicate your disapproval or acceptance. I kept my eyes on yours knowing my intense gaze would show my commitment and the truth of my words. After what seemed like hours of me talking and you astutely listening, my body finally gave into its poor states and forced me to lie back into your stomach in an effort to ease the dizziness.

While resting upon your steamy 108 degree chest, I could vaguely hear your voice but not in the normal way one would. It was as if when our bodies met, our minds became in tune with one another. I could hear you say, _Rest Bella...just Rest. _

"But there is just so much to say" I whisper back physically and again in my mind I hear you reply _"Does it really matter how sorry you are? What has been done or the horrible choices you've made? Does knowing you feel bad or that you have made yourself physically and emotionally sick over it make those actions you took fail to exist? No. What matters and what has always mattered is that you and I are here now. Yes your denial of my love and devotion hurt me more than anything. Yes I kept my distance because I didn't know how to live in a world without you and a part of me wanted to see if you could live in a world without me. I can see now that the damsel in distress can never be without her heroine and a heart cannot be without its rhythm."_

Tears fell from my eyes, your inner voice more powerful and touching than actual true vocal words could ever be. I never thought it possible that God would give me an opportunity to be reunited with the one true savior of my life but my chance had finally come and for the first time, I was actually the one to save me from myself. It was my words, my convictions, admittance and determination that brought me here and it would be me that was going to save the destined soul mates known as Jake and Bella.


End file.
